Words made from scratch

Back to words

Cruelty of adolescence world, which I experienced lately, had made me write a lot. It's my 3rd writing already, and shamelessly, I still do.

I can't now decide to be thankful or grumble.

Let's have this talk about regrets.

Regrets, are somehow made so that you can feel the pain.

They're cruel, I know.

But there's something of being in it.

Not just meant to encounter the pain, you could also take a lesson upon it,

which is worth the value.

The value of lesson itself, to me, is a blessing that God wants me to learn something precious.

I had this one regret today.

I almost loathe someone out of nowhere just because of that one scary thing, jealousy.

Jealousy is a heavy thing to carry, I told you.

If I can describe jealousy into one thing. I'd like to say jealousy is a huge ugly bag full of wreckage.

And how that can be, a person still maintain to carry that around?

Easy to say when you're not encounter it by yourself, actually.

Because I carried that ugly bag around today. Even if I used to hate jealousy for my life-time.

I'm a type of person with a principle. I don't care if it made me look like a stubborn, but I really am just trying to be a woman of my own words.

Women should be soft at heart, they said. But in my own world as I see it, when it's time to be tough, we should be tough.

I like women which are independent, cold. She might be fragile at heart, but she built up her cold imaginary wall so that people won't notice.

The less she reveals, the more classy she would be.

But, what a shame. At this current moment, I screwed my own principle, my own point of view of what a good woman should be.

And I felt awfully bad for myself because of that.

Jealousy

Everything seems to fall into wrong places, until I asked myself.

"Why do you feel so wrong? Jealousy is demand to be felt. It's in the nature, you can't avoid it."

So now I rather make peace with the battle inside of my head. I'm not going to go further against anything that I believed.

Because, we can't avoid anything that demand to be felt. God gave us ability to have various feelings, so why do I deny it?

Feeling guilty for someone is bad, but to have guilty against your own self is worse, and to do something out of guilty for someone else is even worst..

Pulang

Berhenti.
Jangan seperti ini lagi.

Iya memang, lagi - lagi ego yang harus menang.

Seperti pengelana yang merindu sebuah pulang.
Tapi lagi - lagi harus berangkat pergi.

Antara ingin hilang atau merindu pulang.

Pulang, ayo pulang.
Jangan seperti raga ini, terbiasa menunggu esok, sampai lupa hidup di hari ini.

Jangan seperti raga ini, tenggelam dalam kesedihan sampai lupa ada yang mencintai.

Sayang sekali, tak ada yang mengerti, atau memang tak ingin dimengerti

Semua sudah ku lukiskan dalam imaji - imaji konkrit di kepalaku.
Mereka penuh sesak, menunggu untuk diungkapkan.

Tapi ku rasa manusia hanya bisa mengerti kata - kata.
Imaji itu hanya delusi.

Apa daya?
Aku harus merubah semua imaji itu dalam bentuk kata.

Tapi apa masih didengar?

Memangnya aku apa, hingga bisa berjanji untuk tak mengecewakan lagi.

Insan itu pabrik pembuat kesalahan, tiada pembeda, semua sama.
Tinggal siapa yang mau berbenah diri.
Atau tetap angkuh berdiri.

Cliche

Ingin rasanya berpendapat, tapi memangnya apa kontribusi ku?

Untuk menyumbang secuil ide saja aku tak mampu.

Malu.

Bukan, bukan karena tidak ada peduli ku.

Hanya hilang makna.

Bosan aku dengan stigma yang aku reka.

Bosan aku merancang sikap yang akan ku tunjukan pada dunia.

Topengku lusuh, topengku rapuh.

Kadang lebih baik terdiam, daripada berbicara yang belum pasti benar.

Tinggal menunggu waktu, tinggal aku memilih untuk mengecat ulang topengku yang baru.

Atau malah membukanya sama sekali.

Aku takut.

Aku takut dianggap klise.

Aku takut sarkasme mereka menyerangku.

Tapi apa gunanya perasaan takut di dunia ini?

Harusnnya aku kalahkan dulu perasaan itu.

Harusnya aku selamatkan dulu diriku sendiri.

Baru aku pantas mengucap lisan soal pergerakan untuk perbaikan.