Magical Year

It has been a magical year to me, indeed.

Ketika aku tahu bahwa aku ada di tempat yang tepat; bersama orang – orang yang mampu merangkul ku begitu erat. Belum genap satu semester, aku tahu. Namun beradaptasi dengan lingkungan baru tidak pernah semenyenangkan ini. Tidak ku sangka mereka yang berawal dari sebatas orang asing lalu bertransformasi dengan cepat menjadi mereka yang ku sebut sebagai keluarga, tempat ku mengadu dan berlari pulang. Mereka mampu membuatku menyanggupi sebuah komitmen untuk tetap tinggal, meyakinkanku bahwa disini lah tempat yang sempurna untuk ku berproses.

Bangga rasanya bisa mengenal orang – orang hebat dengan sederet prestasi gemilang, berbagi cerita tanpa memandang diriku yang hanya sebatas orang baru. Mereka mengajari ku banyak hal tanpa sedikit pun menggurui. Hingga aku terdorong untuk menggali potensi ku lebih dalam, to push myself to the limit and go as far as I can. Meyakinkan ku bahwa masih banyak daratan di dunia ini yang bisa  ku jelajahi, masih banyak pengalaman di luar sana yang harus aku rasakan.

Aku teringat malam itu, ketika titik air mata keharuan ku disambut dengan rangkulan hangat mereka. Satu pelukan yang akan selalu aku ingat, pelukan yang seolah berkata “everything’s alright now, welcome home.” Aku ingin mereka tahu bahwa alasanku menangis malam itu memang benar adanya, bahwa aku ingin tetap disini bersama mereka, sesederhana itu.

Mungkin empat atau lima tahun kedepan aku akan merindukan bagaimana rasanya aku terbangun setiap hari, menerka pengalaman apa selanjutnya yang akan aku alami bersama mereka. I wish I could stop time in this very moment. Mungkin saat aku merindukan masa itu, satu persatu dari kita sudah menjadi penggerak masa depan, sudah berhasil meraih mimpi masing – masing.

Biar lah rangkaian kata yang jauh dari sempurna ini mewakili perasaanku. Here is my most sincere feeling for the most sincere people. Tempat dimana aku tak ragu melepas topeng ku sepenuhnya dan mereka tetap menerimaku apa adanya.

I always know that when life is getting harder, Allah will always cheer my frown my sending those angels; angels in the form of family and best friends.

Terimakasih sudah menjadi warna primer di kaleidoskop ku pada setengah tahun terakhir ini; teruntuk IE 2014, BPPM Equilibrium terkhusus divisi Pro-Art, IEskrim, dan segenap warga FEB UGM.

Fluorescent Adolescent

The best you ever had is just a memory
And those dreams
But as daft as they seem, my love, when you dream them up..
      Arctic Monkeys - Fluorescent Adolescent

New life

New title

New burden...

I have tried to regain my composure, which even the darkest awakening drips of coffee can’t handle; everything’s new to me.. All perplexing and vague.

Huge mass of thoughts are rushing in the back of my head; anxiety of college life I have never imagine, make a deal to adjust my comfort zone in new surrounding.

But anyway, It’s not that bad as I thought  it would be in the very first time I landed in Yogyakarta; I had fun. I can’t hold my massive excitement to have this new title; Economics major in Faculty Economics and Business, Gadjah Mada University.

Three months had passed and now I’m having a short-break after the mid-term.

If you guys don’t mind, here’s my bucket wish list:

- be able to give contribution to my new organization, BPPM Equilibrium

- #explorejogja soon!

- accomplish more challenges

And last but not least; be the best of myself.

Cheers for our young age, young people. I enjoy my fluorescent adolescent, and I hope you do so.

Words made from scratch

Back to words

Cruelty of adolescence world, which I experienced lately, had made me write a lot. It's my 3rd writing already, and shamelessly, I still do.

I can't now decide to be thankful or grumble.

Let's have this talk about regrets.

Regrets, are somehow made so that you can feel the pain.

They're cruel, I know.

But there's something of being in it.

Not just meant to encounter the pain, you could also take a lesson upon it,

which is worth the value.

The value of lesson itself, to me, is a blessing that God wants me to learn something precious.

I had this one regret today.

I almost loathe someone out of nowhere just because of that one scary thing, jealousy.

Jealousy is a heavy thing to carry, I told you.

If I can describe jealousy into one thing. I'd like to say jealousy is a huge ugly bag full of wreckage.

And how that can be, a person still maintain to carry that around?

Easy to say when you're not encounter it by yourself, actually.

Because I carried that ugly bag around today. Even if I used to hate jealousy for my life-time.

I'm a type of person with a principle. I don't care if it made me look like a stubborn, but I really am just trying to be a woman of my own words.

Women should be soft at heart, they said. But in my own world as I see it, when it's time to be tough, we should be tough.

I like women which are independent, cold. She might be fragile at heart, but she built up her cold imaginary wall so that people won't notice.

The less she reveals, the more classy she would be.

But, what a shame. At this current moment, I screwed my own principle, my own point of view of what a good woman should be.

And I felt awfully bad for myself because of that.

Jealousy

Everything seems to fall into wrong places, until I asked myself.

"Why do you feel so wrong? Jealousy is demand to be felt. It's in the nature, you can't avoid it."

So now I rather make peace with the battle inside of my head. I'm not going to go further against anything that I believed.

Because, we can't avoid anything that demand to be felt. God gave us ability to have various feelings, so why do I deny it?

Feeling guilty for someone is bad, but to have guilty against your own self is worse, and to do something out of guilty for someone else is even worst..

Pulang

Berhenti.
Jangan seperti ini lagi.

Iya memang, lagi - lagi ego yang harus menang.

Seperti pengelana yang merindu sebuah pulang.
Tapi lagi - lagi harus berangkat pergi.

Antara ingin hilang atau merindu pulang.

Pulang, ayo pulang.
Jangan seperti raga ini, terbiasa menunggu esok, sampai lupa hidup di hari ini.

Jangan seperti raga ini, tenggelam dalam kesedihan sampai lupa ada yang mencintai.

Sayang sekali, tak ada yang mengerti, atau memang tak ingin dimengerti

Semua sudah ku lukiskan dalam imaji - imaji konkrit di kepalaku.
Mereka penuh sesak, menunggu untuk diungkapkan.

Tapi ku rasa manusia hanya bisa mengerti kata - kata.
Imaji itu hanya delusi.

Apa daya?
Aku harus merubah semua imaji itu dalam bentuk kata.

Tapi apa masih didengar?

Memangnya aku apa, hingga bisa berjanji untuk tak mengecewakan lagi.

Insan itu pabrik pembuat kesalahan, tiada pembeda, semua sama.
Tinggal siapa yang mau berbenah diri.
Atau tetap angkuh berdiri.

Cliche

Ingin rasanya berpendapat, tapi memangnya apa kontribusi ku?

Untuk menyumbang secuil ide saja aku tak mampu.

Malu.

Bukan, bukan karena tidak ada peduli ku.

Hanya hilang makna.

Bosan aku dengan stigma yang aku reka.

Bosan aku merancang sikap yang akan ku tunjukan pada dunia.

Topengku lusuh, topengku rapuh.

Kadang lebih baik terdiam, daripada berbicara yang belum pasti benar.

Tinggal menunggu waktu, tinggal aku memilih untuk mengecat ulang topengku yang baru.

Atau malah membukanya sama sekali.

Aku takut.

Aku takut dianggap klise.

Aku takut sarkasme mereka menyerangku.

Tapi apa gunanya perasaan takut di dunia ini?

Harusnnya aku kalahkan dulu perasaan itu.

Harusnya aku selamatkan dulu diriku sendiri.

Baru aku pantas mengucap lisan soal pergerakan untuk perbaikan.

So long and goodnight

If I could be with you tonight
I will sing you to sleep
Never let them take the light behind your eyes

Taken from lyric of My Chemical Romance - The Light behind your eyes
Been heard the broke-up of My Chemical Romance. And it's immediately became the most mental break down for me during the week-long. It's still way too vague, I feel numb all over my conscious-self. I got angry butterflies scrub all around my tummy.
Since then, I decided to set a playlist full of their songs for like 2 weeks, and yeah I still do just to pull it off.

Not meant to be dramatic, nor to be a soap-drama alike. But, MCR is the one that went along with my childhood, one of my biggest infuence for my point of view in life. I'm sure you guys at least had one. So I defense my own self that it's normal to be sob hard through the disband of a group, thus I really did.

I'm actually not really into the fandom, which is became one thing I regret the most. I just listen to their songs a little too often. Their lyrics are bitter, hating life, and out of box. That's why I convinced them as my fave in oddly way. But guess what? Even if I tried, I've never found interest on any other band that went along with their self-proclaimed alternative rock genre. I mean, I grew into so much subjective over them. And even if I hate becoming subjective, but there's a quote says "once a party goes right, the objective can be becoming subjective" so I end my point of view up to there.

Born in 2001, and ended in 2013. What a greatful 12 years had passed. I've been recognizing them since I was still in 6th grade of primary school, since my english was still awful until now the 17-years-old me.
Say in front of me that they're can't be called as legend enough by their early disband. Say to me that they are just one ordinary band out there. LOL but I might dismiss all the calls.
Because for me, they're the real saviors in the name of music, in the name of my childhood, in the name of broken hearts..

Here's the official statement

Being in this band for the past 12 years has been a true blessing. We've gotten to go places we never knew we would. We've been able to see and experience things we never imagined possible. We've shared the stage with people we admire, people we look up to, and best of all, our friends. And now, like all great things, it has come time for it to end. Thanks for all of your support, and for being part of the adventure.
My Chemical Romance



And here's the self-statement that The former, Gerard Way wrote through his SNS. Which is the most precious statement that beautifuly written I've ever seen

A Vigil, On Birds and Glass.

I woke up this morning still dreaming, or not fully aware of myself just yet. The sun poked through the windows, touching my face, and then a deep sadness overcame me, immediately, bringing me to life and realization- My Chemical Romance had ended.
I walked downstairs to do the only thing I could think of to regain composure-
I made coffee.
As the drip began, in that kind of silence that only happens in the morning, and being the only one awake, I stepped outside my home, leaving the door open behind me. I looked around and began to breathe. Things looked to be about the same- a beautiful day.
As I turned to step back into the house I heard sound from within, a chirp and a rustle. And I noticed a small brown bird had flown into the library. Naturally, I panicked. I knew I had to see the bird to safety and I knew I had to retain the order of things in our home, and he very well couldn’t take up residency with us. I chased him (still assuming he was a he) into my office, where I have these very large windows.
Just then, and luckily, I heard Lindsey’s footsteps coming down the stairs, and naturally being composed as she is, she grabbed a blanket and stepped into the office. He was impossible to catch, and I began to open the windows, via Lindsey’s direction, only to find out they were screened. The bird began to fly into the glass, over and over and in all different directions.
Smack.
Smack.
Smack!
I heard another set of footsteps, Bandit’s, running down the stairs in anticipation of the new day. Her entrance into the situation caused just the right amount of chaos (she was very excited to meet the bird) and we found ourselves chasing the bird into the living room. Knowing that this where it could potentially get sticky, being the high ceilings and the beams to perch on, I opened the front door as Lindsey did her best to encourage our new friend out the door. After some coaxing, flying, chirping, a wrong turn back into the library and a short goodbye to Bandit, he simply hopped out the front door- taking off on the fifth leap.
We cheered.
I was no longer sad.
I didn’t realize it, but I stopped being sad the minute that bird had come into my life, because there was something that needed doing, a small vessel to aid and an order to keep. I closed the door. I decided to write the letter I always knew I would.

It is often my nature to be abstract, hidden in plain sight, or nowhere at all. I have always felt that the art I have made (alone or with friends) contains all of my intent when executed properly, and thus, no explanation required. It is simply not in my nature to excuse, explain, or justify any action I have taken as a result of thinking it through with a clear head, and in my truth.
I had always felt this situation involving the end of this band would be different, in the eventuality it happened. I would be cryptic in its existence, and open upon its death.

The clearest actions come from truth, not obligation. And the truth of the matter is that I love every one of you.
So, if this finds you well, and sheds some light on anything, or my personal account and feelings on the matter, then it is out of this love, mutual and shared, not duty.
Love.
This was always my intent.

My Chemical Romance: 2001-2013

We were spectacular.
Every show I knew this, every show I felt it with or without external confirmation.
There were some clunkers, sometimes our secondhand gear broke, sometimes I had no voice- we were still great. It is this belief that made us who we were, but also many other things, all of them vital-
And all of the things that made us great were the very things that were going to end us-

Fiction. Friction. Creation. Destruction. Opposition. Aggression. Ambition. Heart. Hate. Courage. Spite. Beauty. Desperation. LOVE. Fear. Glamour. Weakness. Hope.

Fatalism.

That last one is very important. My Chemical Romance had, built within its core, a fail-safe. A doomsday device, should certain events occur or cease occurring, would detonate. I shared knowledge of this “flaw” within weeks of its inception.
Personally, I embraced it because, again, it made us perfect. A perfect machine, beautiful, yet self aware of it’s system. Under directive to terminate before it becomes compromised. To protect the idea- at all costs. This probably sounds like something ripped from the pages of a four-color comic book, and that’s the point.
No compromise. No surrender. No fucking shit.

To me that’s rock and roll. And I believe in rock and roll.

I wasn’t shy about who I said this to, not the press, or a fan, or a relative. It’s in the lyrics, it’s in the banter. I often watched the journalists snicker at mention of it, assuming I was being sensational or melodramatic (in their defense I was most likely dressed as an apocalyptic marching-band leader with a tear-away hospital gown and a face covered in expressionist paint, so fair enough).
I’m still not sure if the mechanism worked correctly, because it wasn’t a bang but a much slower process. But still the same result, and still for the same reason-

When it’s time, we stop.

It is important to understand that for us, the opinion on whether or not it is in fact time does not transmit from the audience. Again, this is to protect the idea for the benefit of the audience. Many a band have waited for external confirmation that it is time to hang it up, via ticket sales, chart positioning, boos and bottles of urine- input that holds no sway for us, and often too late when it comes anyway.

You should know it in your being, if you listen to the truth inside you. And voice inside became louder than the music.

<At this point, I take a break to receive a visit from old friends, all of which were instrumental in some way to the beginnings of the band. We talk about the old days, and we talk about music, we talk about new things. We laugh and drink diet soda. We say goodbyes, I go to bed, to resume my letter in the morning, which is->

Now-
There are many reasons My Chemical Romance ended. The triggerman is unimportant, as was always the messengers- but the message, again as always, is the important thing. But to reiterate, this is my account, my reasons and my feelings. And I can assure you there was no divorce, argument, failure, accident, villain, or knife in the back that caused this, again this was no one’s fault, and it had been quietly in the works, whether we knew it or not, long before any sensationalism, scandal, or rumor.

There wasn’t even a blaze of glory in a hail of bullets…

I am backstage in Asbury Park, New Jersey. It is Saturday, May 19th, 2012 and I am pacing behind a massive black curtain that leads to the stage. I feel the breeze from the ocean find its way around me and I look down at my arms, which are covered in fresh gauze due to a losing battle with a heat rash, which had been a mysterious problem in recent months. I am normally not nervous before a show but I am certainly filled with angry butterflies most of the time. This is different- a strange anxiety jetting through me that I can only imagine is the sixth sense one feels before their last moments alive. My pupils have zeroed-out and I have ceased blinking. My body temperature is icy.
We get the cue to hit the stage.

The show is… good. Not great, not bad, just good. The first thing I notice take me by surprise is not the enormous amount of people in front of us but off to my left- the shore and the vastness of the ocean. Much more blue than I remembered as a boy. The sky is just as vibrant. I perform, semi-automatically, and something is wrong.
I am acting. I never act on stage, even when it appears that I am, even when I’m hamming it up or delivering a soliloquy. Suddenly, I have become highly self-aware, almost as if waking from a dream. I began to move faster, more frantic, reckless- trying to shake it off- but all it began to create was silence. The amps, the cheers, all began to fade.

All that what left was the voice inside, and I could hear it clearly. It didn’t have to yell- it whispered, and said to me briefly, plainly, and kindly- what it had to say.

What it said is between me and the voice.

I ignored it, and the following months were full of suffering for me- I hollowed out, stopped listening to music, never picked up a pencil, started slipping into old habits. All of the vibrancy I used to see became de-saturated. Lost. I used to see art or magic in everything, especially the mundane- the ability was buried under wreckage.

Slowly, once I had done enough damage to myself, I began to climb out of the hole. Clean. When I made it out, the only thing left inside was the voice, and for the second time in my life, I no longer ignored it- because it was my own.

There are many roles for all of us to play in this ending. We can be well-wishers, ill-wishers, sympathizers, vilifiers, comedians, rain clouds, victims-

That last one, again, is important. I have never thought myself a victim, nor my comrades, nor the fans- especially not the fans. For us to adopt that role right now would legitimize everything the tabloids have tried to name us. More importantly, it completely misses the point of the band. And then what have we learned?

With honor, integrity, closure, and on no one’s terms but our own- the door closes.

And another opens-

This morning I awoke early. I quickly brushed my teeth, threw on some baggy jeans, and hopped in my car. I gently sped down the 405 through the morning fog to a random parking lot in Palo Verde, where I was to meet a nice gentleman named Norm. He was older, and a self-proclaimed “hippie” but he also had the energy of Sixteen year old in a garage-rock band. The purpose of the meeting was the delivery of an amplifier into my possession. I had recently purchased the amp from him and we both agreed that shipping would jostle the tubes- so he was kind enough to meet me in the middle.
A Fender Princeton Amp from 1965, non reverb. A beautiful little device.

He showed me the finer points, the speaker, the non-grounded plug, the original label and the chalk mark of the man or woman who built it-

“This amp talks.” he said.
I smiled.
We got coffee, talked about gold-foil pickups and life. We sat in the car and played each other music we had made. We parted ways, promising to stay in touch, I drove home.

When I wanted to start My Chemical Romance, I began by sitting in my parent’s basement, picking up an instrument I had long abandoned for the brush- a guitar. It was a 90’s Fender Mexican Stratocaster, Lake Placid Blue, but in my youth I had decided it was too clean and pretty so I beat it up, exposing some of the red paint underneath the blue- the color it was meant to be. Adding a piece of duct tape on the pick guard, it felt acceptable. I plugged this into a baby Crate Amp with built in distortion and began the first chords of Skylines and Turnstiles.

I still have that guitar, and it’s sitting next to The Princeton.
He has a voice, and I would like to hear what it has to say.

In closing, I want to thank every single fan. I have learned from you, maybe more than you think you’ve learned from me. My only regret is that I am awful with names and bad with goodbyes. But I never forget a face, or a feeling- and that is what I have left from all of you.
I feel Love.

I feel love for you, for our crew, our team, and for every single human being I have shared the band and stage with-

Ray. Mikey. Frank. Matt. Bob. James. Todd. Cortez. Tucker. Pete. Michael. Jarrod.

Since I am bad with goodbyes. I refuse to let this be one. But I will leave you with one last thing-

My Chemical Romance is done. But it can never die.
It is alive in me, in the guys, and it is alive inside all of you.
I always knew that, and I think you did too.

Because it is not a band-
it is an idea.

Love,
Gerard

TWELVE

Gonna say finally a Hay to you guys!!! I just passed the first term test, which is yeaaay I'm a free betcch for next upcoming weeks. No more scowling over deadly deadlines, struggling over tight fully-packed schedules, and so soooo on. I can sense the delightful smell of christmas is approaching as well as new year eve is coming thru. I always have that odd excitement when December has come. I mean, who wouldn't? Those pale rainy skies, a warm tea, long-stay with layered blankets in bed, a special feast, besties gathering, etc.
It's always been an endless drizzly days here in Indonesia. I can count more than my fingers do, how much I got soaked in droplets of raindrop, and somehow I still don't catch any cold so far.
I currently trying to sharpen my writing ability to kill time, some drafts to be done. I read some thesis and fictions too, and end up feeling like to wreck all my drafts apart. You know, kind of feeling shivers all of your confidences down that you used to put high on them, when you see someone can awesomely do the same thing better than you do, even you tried all your might to.

It's past midnight already and I have this overflowing feelings run down my spine.
It was December 17th that me and my besties finally gathered up to celebrate Ratih's bday. It was out of my idea when actually they gathered up to get problems that we currently had, to be done. The main point was, I had this icy-silent-war with a guy named Adham Panji for like 2 months. Well, I guess it's my mistake at the very first place for flooding up harsh words over them, instead of telling them what I really feel inside. But I insist to keep up with my anger and arguments, ignoring not only him but also the others for like months. So that's why I was the one who teared up the most last night. We poured out all of our feelings, shared all the point of views  we had. Instead of pour all angers back to me, they took me for a warm hug, welcome me back to the fine situation. From that night, I knew one thing. Those 12 people sitting in front of me are surely the creatures on earth I could rely on, and I do owe them my life-time.

Have you ever had kind of best friends that you've been loathe them out, you've been ignoring them for such a long time, you don't bother to take even a glimpse for them if they're doing well in busiest days, but guess what? They're still coming back, welcome you home, take you for a gentle embrace, as if you got nothing wrong for them in despite,

Well my answer is yes, I have these 12 people named
Aprilia Harera, Adham Panji, Laras Laksita, Bagas Hasianky, Nisna Khumaira, Rifky Fauzi, Astrid Iryana, Mega Muthmainnah, Ahmad Maula Hannan, Ratih Ghita, Azzahra Nabila, and lastly Me.

We've been through this friendship for like 3 years. And I proud to say we're still going on.

Bestfriends will remain the only one who stays on your side even when the whole world turns direction, right?
These my Besties, my droplet of tears, my fear, my laughters, my best heal, my whole life, what's yours?

Lastly, enjoy your drizzly holiday, everyone!